Oops, she did it again!

What have I gone wrong?

We went to MBF's baby R's 1st birthday party today and LB's dead tired now, snoring. I got a bit tired, too, but I had so much fun being with my friends: MBF, J, P & Y. Baby R, my godchild, is such a happy, calm one-year-old. We NEVER heard her cry the whole time we were with her. Her cheerful disposition is contagious. However, there was one who had to kill the joy. Sadly, it's my badass preschooler. :'(

During the party, I didn't notice any sightings of mean girl blood going on. But, yeah, smartypants manipulated me again at some point. Still forgivable, though. 

We then transferred to the after-party location. Things went so fast and the worst had happened: LB slapped Baby R's face. 

I crushed. 

I don't know if my face proved it but my heart resembled a mashed potato. Baby R didn't cry. MBF said maybe she didn't get hurt, just shocked.

Still, I'm sorry my pretty cotton ball. Big sister LB actually missed you when she saw your picture. I hope you two can play very, very soon. Like your mom & I.

I love my friends. As always, they understand.

But the guilt is killing me. Baby R's my cotton ball, my bestfriend's first born. I sincerely love the kid. Then LB did that?! I always feel like I'm a terrible mom when LB becomes the bully. I honestly do not have a bully streak in me. Though I sometimes have; in case of emergency. I always kid the husband for being one in HS, thus, LB inheriting his legacy. But I know at the end of the day, I am to blame. I always believe that whatever the mom (or whoever she is with 24/7) feels, it begins to be the baby's inner voice.  Do I feel anger, hatred and restraint that my precious princess feels the same? I am so dumbfounded.

I need to change the way I talk to LB. I sometimes mistaken her aggressiveness for confidence; that I just let a few minor aggression pass. Often, I find cute. But come to think of it, she is my child. If my friends will describe me in one word that brings pros & cons at a same rate, it has to be aggressiveness. My mom told me that LB is really a mini-me: witty  back talks, whine galore, celebrity vibe that most girls hate and super talkative nature; except she speaks English ever since. Sigh. I don't know if I'll be happy that she got that bomb attitude from me ('cause that's useful in the future, believe me!) or should I get scared and prepare myself for more trouble? Hmm. Have I told you she's also her father's daughter? Oh, you wouldn't want to know why.